Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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