Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
