Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
