I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
