i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
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DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
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Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize