I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
