Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
