P.S. I can't hear my feet
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
