so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
