goodnight i made you a song goodbye
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
