Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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