not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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