Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
