i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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