John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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