Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
