I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
