I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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