Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
