she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
