I can text with my tongue
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
