good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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