You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
