Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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