bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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