And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
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I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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