just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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