If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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