Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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