I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
