Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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