All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
