Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
