the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dick very happy bro
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
