im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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