i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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