Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
