i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
