You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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