will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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