I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
