i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize