The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
