a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
