A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
