He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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