So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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