I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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