god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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