you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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