the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
