So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
