I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
