The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
