I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
