We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
