barbara walters just said penis...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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