My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize