I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize