why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.