I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dating After Heartbreak
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.