you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.