Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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