I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
