I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
