I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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