And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
