twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
