Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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