Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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